Momma's got a secret

I'm pretty good at keeping confidences, in general. Except for my own. I'm a compulsive writer, so when there are things on my mind, I have to jot them down. Public or private, online or off, it happens. Twitter has kind of taken the edge off the one-liners, to be sure, but they still happen.

But I don't see how I can get through this weekend without telling my son I'm gestating his second half sibling. It's funny. He's 8 1/2 years older than his brother; and this one is coming along 8 1/2 years after that. Numbers crack me up that way. Just like my favorite aunt, is 17 years older than I am. (Actually, 17 1/2, but you get my point.) Around the house, there are things like prenatal vitamins, and pregnancy books and magazines, and I can hide those well and good enough, but..

I can't hide this from him, not only because I love him so much; but also because he's going to need as much time to get used to the idea as Dean and I do. At Christmas, he told me he wanted to move back in with me, and it would break my heart if he changed his mind because of this. But I'd understand, too.

I went down to my church today, to talk to my priest about all this. And before I could even get started I was already crying, something I think I needed to do since I found out, but I couldn't. It's so overwhelming. And I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. All the emotions that have been swirling around, unable to find purchase because I was--and am--so determined to be strong about this.

I got the paperwork today for the ob/gyn I want to go with, and as I was going through it, I noticed a line that said, "This practice does not support the Bradley method of Childbirth. If you plan to use this method, please seek prenatal care elsewhere." Not that I'm a fan of the Bradley method, but I'm wondering about their obstreperous denunciation of it. I chose this practice because I want a holistic, woman-centered practice. I came pretty close to natural, honestly, with my son, though I did have a bit of demerol at about 5 cm. Lamaze worked beautifully for me, honestly, though my nurses did more to keep me focused than my ex did. (In fact, part of me wonders if the objection to Bradley has to do with partner-as-coach thing, because I think some partners make great coaches, others not so much.)

The only thing I've been able to find is that the Bradley method itself is (a) proprietary and (b) steeped in principles that can be seen as inherently anti-feminist, so if you want a holistic, woman-centered birth the Bradley principles are a bit antithetical (and, quite possibly, ironic). And there are some that cling so much to the method that they are downright radical about it, and apparently this turns medical professionals off. When the movement started, it was a reaction against "twilight births," as many women experienced it between the 30s and the early 70s. (I was born while my mom was under that kind of sedation. She doesn't really remember it.) It's weird: the Bradley method is anti-medical, which Dean would probably dig; but before they changed the name to something more politically correct, it was known as "husband-coached childbirth." And Dean, my love, my partner, I do love you, but I can't imagine you taking charge of my labor. :D

The way I see it, if this practice doesn't work out, both of the doctors I had with my son's birth are still practicing up in Winchester. My doctor--I remember this so clearly--got irritated with the nurses when they IV'd me before he told them to, because he felt I could go natural if I wanted to. But anyway, whatever all that works out to being, I have to get there first.

And first things first.