I'm a bitch

Hormones are really effing with me. Among the things that I notice and yet have no control over:

1. Despite almost three years now of public speaking experience, since getting pregnant I shake like a leaf when I talk in front of people. I had so gotten over that.

2. I'm airheaded as anything. I left milk out last night, and twice in the past 24 hours have left the refrigerator door sitting wide open while doing other things in the kitchen. However, I notice anything OTHER people do wrong, and have no brain filter over whether to address that with the person or not. For instance, not sure whether it was Dean or Lil'D who kept leaving the back door open yesterday, but the number of flies in the house today show that my obsessing over it was for a reason.

3. I'm much more prone to anger and upsetness and other short-temperedness, and it's really bringing out the passive-aggressive in me as well as the "say things you can't unsay" thing, something I was notorious for while on depo and to a lesser extent while on the pill.

4. I'm also more prone to taking things personally that ordinarily are things I just write off. This is having a profound effect on my relationship with my sister-in-law, whom I'm dreading seeing today if I go to this thing with the in-laws. It's also affecting my ability to deal with Dean's constant flake factor. But then, I'm sure he's tapping his foot waiting for me to start nesting so I clean up this frackin' mess I don't have the energy to deal with.

5. Every day that I think I start feeling better, something happens the next day to show that I'm still a frackin' wreck. For the past two days, it's been four-hour afternoon naps I've been powerless to avoid. How the hell am I supposed to get anything done??!

well, ok

I've managed to get almost to 11 weeks without hurling, until this morning. Well, actually, this afternoon, because I've been on the couch since 11 fielding an estrogen-driven migraine. That said, after getting sick, the migraine is abating. I need to ask my doctor what I can take for this kind of headache while pregnant.

I'm annoyed at Dean because I had asked him to take care of a car issue for me and didn't, he had told me he was going to cut the grass this weekend and he hasn't, and while I was getting sick I found myself miserably upset that I was in the house alone while processing the emotional recoil from getting sick, and I wound up curling up in the corner and sobbing, because all I wanted was for Dean to put his arms around me and tell me that it was going to be ok.

Which is completely irrational, but whatever.

What makes this even tougher to deal with is that until yesterday I'd had several consecutive days of feeling really good, and starting to flow with the glow, so to speak. I had met someone at the conference I was at whose wife was 14 weeks along, so we were comparing ultrasound pictures and I was starting to feel like I could do this and be ok with congratulations and with some degree of optimism.

Today I'm convinced this is the worst thing to happen to me. My husband won't touch me, I'm exhausted, and I have this really strange feeling that I just want to go home. That's a very strange feeling considering I just got here, yanno?