I don't have strong feelings about circumcision. I don't know why, I feel like I _should_ have strong feelings about it, considering how noninterventionist I am about health care in the first place. But I guess it has something to do with the amount of intimate experience I have with uncut men--and that's practically none.
My husband, on the other hand, does feel quite strongly about not circumcising the baby. So begins my anxiety, it would seem, because I had a dream last night that one of my children had been circumcised without anesthetic at about the age of 10. Elder son is, already, but had enough left over that as a youth, during physicals, doctors would remind me that it wasn't too late to take care of that if we wanted to. Will that happen as the baby gets older? And what will I do when I can't retort "he already is circumcised, you nitwit?"
Meanwhile, a friend of mine with a newborn son was recently appalled when her pediatrician apparently retracted her son's foreskin at his first checkup. She (and I) were appalled; isn't that not supposed to be possible before the baby is about two?
What can I expect from this decision? We live in a rural area, and already the attention our decision seems to be getting makes me think we're making an unusual choice for this region. How can we explain to younger son why his dad and elder brother look different? How can I bring this topic up to Elder Son to get his opinions on it? (I'm considering asking my husband to talk to him about it, but that's still kind of a strange stepfather dynamic to ask for.)
I know there are people who see circumcision as mutilation. I, to be honest, am ambivalent; I see their point of view but also understand the point of view of those who see it as normal. But I find it odd that most people clamoring about this are women, and would honestly prefer to hear from men about it. Because that's the one perspective I don't have.
In the meantime, I'm going to follow my husband's wishes, but I just wish I could feel better about it, and wonder how much time I'll have to spend defending his decision and protecting the baby from those who would try and persuade me otherwise, if that makes any sense.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
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11 comments:
Just because something was common doesn't mean it was right. If anything, parents who chooose to circumcise now have a lot of explaining to do. Especially when the truth about it is all over the internet. No other developed country does it. There are reasons for this.
I cannot believe you don't know the status of your father! It is one of the most common reasons parents choose to circumcise. How dare you not to know.
See how crazy this argument is when making the choice based on "fathers' status".
Justaguy: please don't attack other people who comment on my posts, ESPECIALLY for things they don't have control over, or I will smite you with my moderation fist of steel. Some folks don't even know their fathers all that well, much less the status of their genitalia.
It's not that I'm ambivalent about RIC, it's that my elder son is circumcised based on his father's wishes at the time; in both my sons' cases I've deferred to the wishes of their respective fathers. To be ambivalent doesn't mean that I don't care. I do. But I can't honestly say that this is something I have passionate feelings about the way I do about childbirth. That is the metaphor that brings me the most understanding, honestly. Just as I do not want my childbirth experience mucked about with by routine interventions but DO understand that there are valid medical indications for interventions, I feel like I should hold to that standard for my second son. But how do I reconcile that with the fact that my elder son is circumcised? He certainly doesn't seem to care one way or the other about it, that I can see. But at the same time, I remember when he was returned to me after his circumcision--his face was red as if he had been screaming, and I felt awful.
But in being ambivalent, what I'm saying is that I don't feel it behooves us to judge parents who circumcise their boys--and I cannot and will not. But what I want from this conversation is the ability to defend our decision from those who would judge *us* for *not* cutting, especially if it comes from the healthcare camp.
It amazes me that this is still an issue in our society. We don't cut the clitoral hoods and labia of our girls (indeed, we cannot, as it is a felony), and yet it is considered routine by many American parents (and creates a legal double-standard, but that's another issue altogether).
Circumcision removes 20,000+ fine-touch nerve receptors, specialized glands and immunological cells, externalizes the glans (which is a mucous membrane intended by nature to be internal) - and desensitizes it over years of keratinization and chemical exposure, interrupts blood flow to the penis, truncates the penis so that intercourse changes from a "rolling-bearing" function to a "battering ram" function, and leaves a visible scar for life.
Risks include shock, a spike in cortisol levels that essentially rewires the brain, hemorrhage, infection (including MRSA), cosmetic and functional complications, coma and death. These risks are far less common in adult circ, which includes superior pain management and a superior cosmetic result. Like any permanent body modification, it should be left to the adult owner of the body part to decide.
Once parents learn the prepuce is to the penis what the eyelid is to the eye, circumcision usually becomes a non-issue. You wouldn't have your child's eyelids removed, or his lips, or his ears, right?
You wanted to hear from men, and I'm happy to weigh in on this. I was cut at birth with a Gomco clamp and no anesthetic. Thank God the German doctor left my frenulum intact and a relatively loose cut that gave me a good start on foreskin restoration. My son, 15, was not cut at birth and has never had any problems. The chances of ever medically needing a circumcision is far less than having a serious complication from the surgery.
You and your husband are making the right choice - the ethical choice. Don't let ignorant people hassle you about it. I've found the best way to handle the looks of shock when people asked why I didn't cut my son is to throw the look right back at them and ask, "why WOULD I?"
Good job! :)
Quick note to Helen:
I believe justaguy's comment above was facetious. He was making a point about the "like father, like son" argument for circumcision and not actually attacking Joel's comment. At least that's the way I read it. :)
Just to clarify, my father and I (and my brother and I) do have a close relationship. The reason why I don't know the status of my father is because I didn't spend a lot of time looking at him naked growing up. Perhaps this is different for some families. During potty training, all I can remember noticing was that his was far larger. I would guess that most people can't even remember back that far, so where exactly this comparison becomes relevant, I am not sure.
I do believe that if he had been circumcised, my hypothetical concern about myself looking different could easily have been put aside, if they had simply told me that he had to have an operation done when he was a baby, but luckily I never had to have something as painful as that done. Seems like a simple one-sentence solution to that whole issue, no?
I read it that way too...he was being cynical. I just blogged about this myself.
I didn't circ my son and that was the number one reason TO do it according to everyone else...like father, like son. But I couldn't get past the fact that 1)it's not a penis look alike contest 2)my son's dad had no clue about his father's penis 3)feeling strongly that the owner of the penis gets to decide what happens with his body.
If in doubt, I would say let the owner of the penis decide for himself. I use that 'logic' all the time and people are just like, "Huh." Good luck!
Joel: Very helpful insight re: the simple answer to the question, and will help also if there's a so-called locker room issue early on! Thanks!
I just meant in the context of "I've seen other boys and they look different," whether it's bathroom, locker room, whatever. :) Thanks Joel!
If you ask me, the whole "other boys look different" thing doesn't hold any water, nor does "we want him to look like his father." Anyone who's seen more than one penis knows they all look different, just like my rack doesn't look anything like my mom's. Teenage girls don't like undressing in front of each other, partly because of the vast differences in the timeline of development, and I'd imagine that boys are the same way. All our bodies are different, and if we could teach our kids to celebrate that... well, that's a different conversation.
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