I'm a bitch

Hormones are really effing with me. Among the things that I notice and yet have no control over:

1. Despite almost three years now of public speaking experience, since getting pregnant I shake like a leaf when I talk in front of people. I had so gotten over that.

2. I'm airheaded as anything. I left milk out last night, and twice in the past 24 hours have left the refrigerator door sitting wide open while doing other things in the kitchen. However, I notice anything OTHER people do wrong, and have no brain filter over whether to address that with the person or not. For instance, not sure whether it was Dean or Lil'D who kept leaving the back door open yesterday, but the number of flies in the house today show that my obsessing over it was for a reason.

3. I'm much more prone to anger and upsetness and other short-temperedness, and it's really bringing out the passive-aggressive in me as well as the "say things you can't unsay" thing, something I was notorious for while on depo and to a lesser extent while on the pill.

4. I'm also more prone to taking things personally that ordinarily are things I just write off. This is having a profound effect on my relationship with my sister-in-law, whom I'm dreading seeing today if I go to this thing with the in-laws. It's also affecting my ability to deal with Dean's constant flake factor. But then, I'm sure he's tapping his foot waiting for me to start nesting so I clean up this frackin' mess I don't have the energy to deal with.

5. Every day that I think I start feeling better, something happens the next day to show that I'm still a frackin' wreck. For the past two days, it's been four-hour afternoon naps I've been powerless to avoid. How the hell am I supposed to get anything done??!

sleeping the mighty sleep

It's pretty much a status quo thing at the moment. We told the in-laws over the weekend, and that went well. I told my ex-husband, and I think it went ok, but I'm aggravated that I don't get to claim Kieran this year in spite of having him, once you count the calendar days, more than half the year. but he did tell me that they are going to pay me $200 a month in support and continue to pay Kieran's phone bill. I just wish they had included me on this conversation that he and Dawn had. But I'll get him for the next two years, at least.

He congratulated me on our forthcoming arrival but seemed to look at Kieran like, "are you sure you want to do this now?" And that's a conversation that Kieran and I have already had. So I guess we're even on making life decisions without consulting the other now; the only difference is that mine doesn't really affect George at all. I'm so glad that we only have two more years of this bullshit at which time Kieran becomes a free agent. But George did say, somewhat ominously, and I'm not sure whether he said this to me or to Kieran, "We'll talk more about this." There's really not room for negotiation on this, George. He's been railroading Kieran to a dead-end and I have made clear that Kieran's first priority with me will not be child care: it will be succeeding in school. That was a dig at all the times they've relied on him for child care for his other half sibling.

But the good thing is that it should be a non-issue. My father-in-law has already promised that he will help with getting Bunky from day-care on days when it's difficult for me to get back by closing, and with that worry off my mind, that's one more thing that will allow me to go back to work on similar terms to what I have now: I only drive into the office 5 days of every 10, and I think that will make much of the stress easier to deal with.

I fell asleep again

You would think that sleeping from 7:30 last night to 6:30 this morning would be enough. But no-o-o-o-o-o. At 3:30, I dozed off again and woke up at 6:30.

This is patently ridiculous. I have things to _do!_ Like bitch at the Facebookers! But hey, at least it's mostly over with, which is really what this was all about. Now I can get to thinking about creative ways to tell our parents.

I thought I would sleep when I was dead.

....but apparently, I will sleep when I'm pregnant.

I'm averaging 11 hours of sleep per day, and last night I got them in one fell swoop, crashing out shortly after I got home at 7. I woke up twice during the night to go to the bathroom--and one of those times, I was staggering out of my bedroom and walked right into my son, who handed me the phone and told me Dean had called. I took the phone, went to the bathroom, and then piled back into bed and slept until about 2:30 in the morning. Tossed and turned for a while, but went back to sleep, although it was a fitful sleep.

I remember having insane insomnia during the third trimester with Kieran, often using late night informercials to keep me company, but I don't remember this kind of fatigue during the first. As Kieran pointed out to me last night, I *was* 21 back then.

Ninacat is funny. She usually is urging us to bed at night, but this morning she's actually trying to get me out of bed. (I'm still in bed right now, actually.) Gotta clean up the kitchen, as dishes have taken it over and I've crashed early both the past two nights and had class the night before--thankfully, Dean got the worst of them done then, but since Kieran is here they're piling up at a ridiculous rate. I really need to teach him to wash dishes.

Of course, after sleeping so long my back hurts. Maggie, my old boss, sent me some prenatal yoga DVDs that I can't wait to break into.